Recovery Motivation (Losing Hope)Binge

(I've posted this already tonight, but I'm new and a bit confused as to where this even belongs)

Hey everyone, thank you so much for reading this <3

I suppose this is the first time I've had a voice throughout my entire battle.

So,I guess I have an eating disorder. Though this has never been diagnosed so I can't really label myself. I'm pretty clued up though, as my sister almost died hooked up to a life support machine after fighting anorexia for all of my childhood. My brother is a nutritionalist so certain products like bread don't often appear in the house and my mum has always been a weight loss addict. She goes to the gym every night and has dropped 4 dress sizes in the past few months. My earliest memories of food consist of my sister force feeding me sandwhiches and giving me chocolate bars in bed so they melted all over me whilst I slept, my mum 'being good' and not eating sweets and her hiding the crisps so I couldn't reach them. Man I loved crisps.

(My background?: I'm 17 5 ft 8 and 46kg (though more now I guess) A-Level stress was my first trigger, after eating close to nothing almost every day for 8 months and spiralling into deeper and deeper depression I lost 22kg of weight, I lost my period, I lost my friends but worst of all I almost lost my parents and I couldn't put them through what my sister did so 2 months ago I made the decision to recover.

I've been eating more, I've been eating healthily, I've been exercising lightly. But today everything went wrong. :(  We were doing a bakesale to raise money (for my trip to Africa to help build a school and teach this summer) but I just lost control. I ate all day. We're talking buns,spoons of golden syrup,raisins,nuts, bags of chocolate,chocolate chips, bowls of butter cream icing, biscuits, crisps,pizza,cereal,fudge,sweets. 5000+ calories. I even starting hiding in the kitchen to eat it, because even though usually I make a point of eating infront of my parents this was just embarrassing and would probably scare them as much as not eating did. I was just like a robot. I wasn't hungry, I kept putting the bags down, walking away, but I just came back and carried on. ''If its gone I can't do it tomorrow'. I didn't feel guilty at the time, I just felt empty? My stomach is in so much pain and my unnamed anorexic self is screaming in my head that I'm a failure, that I'm going to gain loads of weight and I don't need to. 

(side note) I still kind of look in the mirror and wonder if I do need to gain weight though, as my friends are all as thin as me and they skip meals and eat super healthily all the time, which makes things harder, especially as I haven't been diagnosed. I haven't really talked to anyone about this since it all started, though I guess they must have noticed as at first i was getting compliments.

Then I remember that I still don't have my period back. I don't know I'm just lost. Am I a binge eater now? Have I moved onto another level? This isn't my first binge over the past few weeks. I don't know if I can handle the guilt, tonight I feel like I might aswell just go back to restricting as its so much easier than this feeling of pain and weakness :(

I guess I just need some motivation, reasons to gain weight?
Fun things about recovery? Because this isn't fun. My stomach hurts so much :(

Has this ever happened to you guys before? I crave bad things so badly these days,especially at night time. I feel like as I only restricted for a year I don't count in all these posts about 'recovery' do I even need to eat all those calories to repair myself? 

I have binged before (though never quite this much) but I don't wake up in the night sweating like other people say they do so I doubt my metabolism is fast.

 I know I will have gained a bunch of weight from tonight, I know I need to, but itshard to remind myself that. I couldn't handle being a binger, I don't purge as my gag reflex has always been weak so that makes me becoming a bulimic unlikely but this guilt is almost just as bad. Even when i don't feel guilty about the food, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. its hard to explain :(

What's been recovered like?Is it worth this?

I'm not this bad every day I swear, I'm just having a bad night and needed some support! I'm sorry if none of that made sense. 

Again thank you, I hope with all my heart, that you are all feeling strong and your lives are full of love and purpose.

x

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