triggered by dad.

i am stuck visiting my dad.

like my mom, he has disordered eating habits and behaviors. not a full-blown ED but constant talk of his weight, calories, unhealthiness of food, etc. he has gone through periods of extreme thinness and a healthier weight. i would say he is on the thin side of healthy now, but says he is fat and must lose weight.

he asked me today about my weight. he knows i have had an eating disorder but assumes i got it all 'taken care of.' i had a bad relapse and now eating more (1800 calories and no activity versus 1700 and some activity last i saw him) my weight has been on an upward trend for about a month. my scale said it's about a two pound difference...i keep telling myself it's water weight so i will not restrict.

today he commented that i have gained weight since i last visited (as i said, january). i want to crawl into a corner and cry but i have nowhere to hide and no one to talk to down here.

i am finding it really hard to stay on track. and i know i am not going home to a safer environment with my mom.

all i can think about is that i'm gaining weight. i am seeing fat and cellulite everywhere. i am definitely flabbier than i was but i had hoped the actual fat gaining was all in my head...that i was on the road to a normal metabolism...or something.

i don't know what the point of this ramble was. i am so sorry. i wish i had some who thought i was beautiful, and a normal metabolism.

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