HELP **Trigger Warning**

 i'm in deep trouble and i feel like everything's out of control.

So i'm 5'4 and a rough 125 lbs BMI(21.5),hour-glass body shape, 15 years old. I lost a silly 19 lbs through starvation in almost 5 months. I am, as well, a regular user of the (cinnamon,black pepper,cumin) mix used lower blood sugar and lose further weight- I consume huge amounts of that every single day. Now, all i'm left with is an astounding resting pulse of 34 per min (48-53 nowadays that i started eating), extremely low blood pressure, clinical amenorrhea(no period for 3 months), abnormal hair growth, cold sensation, severe hypoglycemia, low body temp, hair loss, yellowish skin, anemia .. etc.

 Notes: This is my second relapse.

I had anorexia when:

1) I was 12(starting weight a 148 lbs, I would guess. lowest weight 92.4 lbs ,no period for 6 months). It lasted for a rough 7 months before which i was unlucky enough to get infected by the H1N1. I did purge a couple of times(though I haven't ever binged)which i stopped gradually for the tormenting pain it caused me. Visited a psychiatrist twice, found her very intimidating, presented an eating plan which got on my nerves, stopped visiting her right after, gave me a prescription of cypralex(not sure of the spelling), only took 3 pills then threw the rest away. I later on went through an intensified eating course(4,000 - 4,500 calls a day-mainly junk food)-after my parents threatened to put me in a hospital, got my period back at a weight i wasn't specifically aware of(weighing was not allowed), experienced severe hair loss at this phase, stopped gaining right afterwards.

2) I relapsed 4 months later(lost a bit of weight, period stopped for 3 months), gained a massive amount of weight back(same as that prior to my ED, which was somewhere from 148-156 lbs), regular periods for 2.5 years, excellent physical strength, thick, lustrous hair, not what i could call regular exercise(on and off). 

PS: This is nowhere near regret.

3) I relapsed 2.5 years later(125 lbs though fitting in the skinny pants i bought when i was at my lowest weight of 92.4 lbs, a bit more loose, though) no period for 3 months, hair loss-again. low pulse, blood pressure, blood sugar levels. I suspect something to do with my liver(read about the toxic coumarin found in cinnamon which could cause liver failure if consumed in large amounts-I'm on 1 tbs a day.)

PS:Blood check will only make things worse. Both my parents are doctors, so both are in panic already, and i couldn't afford to put them in more stress. Psychiatric treatment is not even close to possible-where I live, It's considered shameful. I have absolutely no desire to gain ANY weight-though sometimes I will just give up because i'm in so much despair. But i go back to my solid opinion straight afterwards- NO weight gain is allowed. Nowadays, I consume somewhere from 1100-1700 calls. and the big deal is that my parents are now threatning to put me on birth control pills to get my period back. My a father's a gynecologist, so i find him crying whenever those pills come into mention. All I want to do is go hug him and soothe him. But, he always tells me that i need to gain more weight. But i CAN'T. It's that once I'm faced with this thought I feel like vomitting and my throat closes. I just CAN'T gain anymore weight. and I have a high body fat percentage of somewhere from 24.3% to 25.57%

Please. HELP ME.

Edited Jun 15 2013 14:28 by coach_k
Reason: Added a TW to this thread title

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