Whatever It Takes

I landed in Memphis Saturday afternoon tired and on the verge of tears. I knew I had to wipe them away fast though because I couldn’t face my mom crying.

As soon as I had a chance after saying hello I asked the question I most wanted to know.

“So, how bad is it?”

I held my breathe as I waited for the answer and a recap of what the doctor had said. I calmly listened and held strong because I know that’s my job here.

A few days before my scheduled departure to Memphis I learned that my mom had breast cancer. It’s hard to sum up how I felt for the first two days that I knew. I was sad and scared before I had a chance to talk to my mom about it. I was then angry and bitter after that because it didn’t seem fair. Then finally I accepted the fact that it was happening and I would go home and help her through it. By the second day there was no other option in my mind than it being a temporary problem to work through together.

My mom has always leaned on me in tough times. We’ve gone through a whole lot together. I’m the rational one in the family, the logical one, the oldest and the only girl so I’m the one she leans on. I feel duty bound to be there for her and actually cherish this position. She is my mom and best friend after all.

A few years ago my mom almost died from blood poisoning. In fact if we had waited just another hour to go to the hospital she might have died. To say it was the scariest event in my life is an understatement. The thought of her being sick again, in a hospital, scares me. I remember that experience and the anxiety creeps into my mind and threatens to strangle all other coherent thought. Cancer now doesn’t seem fair. My mom has had a hard life and a lot of crap has gone wrong when she didn’t deserve any of it. Things were finally going pretty well for her recently until this. I don’t understand it and won’t even try.

I’m pushing my anxiety down and handling things. Trying not to stress already about how to help her pay the extra medical bills piling up (goodness that happens fast!) or how to deal with other difficult family members. Trying not to stress about being distracted at work or being away from Kepa. Trying not to stress about the fact that I can’t live in two place at once and I don’t know which is the right place for the future. Trying not to stress at all because my job here is to be calm and helpful and get her through it as best as I can.  It’s lucky, in a way, that this trip was already scheduled because at least being in the same city means I can’t support her and help in whatever way I can.

Luckily they caught this cancer pretty early we think. She will have to have surgery sometime in May and some sort of other treatments but because they caught it early she has a good chance to beat it even with other health problems she has. YAY, right? She has to meet with a bunch of other doctors first and get a final diagnosis and find out what surgery she needs and whether she whether she will get chemo or radiation (one or the other). Whatever it takes, really. It’s not the end of the world yet. Even if it is expensive and painful and scary, she’ll beat it.

Thank goodness because I’m really not prepared for any other outcome.

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