Where I stand, personally. Sharing my story.

Well I first started working out and decided I needed a change when I weighed in at 139lbs when I was 18 years old. I was eating crap and I wasn't taking care of myself and my ****ty relationship was no help either. I was unmotivated and before I knew it, I had gained a ton of weight and I was oblivious to it. I remember seeing a picture of myself and not realizing what the hell I had done to get so far off track. So that was when I started eating clean, cut out all junk food and fast food, started cardio and weights. Within the next year/two years I got down to 102lbs but maintained anywhere between 107-112lbs. It was a great weight and I was happy with those numbers.

I continued to count calories but not as religiously as I was when weight loss was my main goal. I was still running everyday, most days up to 7 miles, on top of walking to and from work (which ranged anywhere from 3-6 miles a day). I was happy, I loved my body, and for the first time in my life I was confident. Something I NEVER thought I would ever achieve. Hiking, jogging trails, working out in the park, these were all things I loved to do and I couldn't see myself without these things.

Fast forward to 2012. August 1st, worst day of my life to date. My mother passed away. Everything I knew and loved about being fit, eating clean and working out went completely out of the window. My motivation was shot. My confidence depleted by depression and severe anxiety. My life was forever changed because of this and I had no interest in participating in the things I once loved and were amazing for me. I began spiraling out of control. I was gaining weight, eating horribly and doing nothing to keep myself in shape.

I moved states that December where my workouts were still no where to be found and my eating habits included anything and everything that was no good for my figure. I tried to get myself back on track and motivated but it was difficult and I easily found myself giving up before I could give myself the chance to feel good about getting back into it.

So today, it's a Sunday. June 30th, 2013 to be exact and it's been almost a year since my mother has passed away and I'm not sure where the time has gone. It still feels as though it's August of 2012. I'm in a new state, I'm in a new apartment, I'm living off of money I should be saving. I feel as though I'm making a lot of really rash decisions but none of which are going to make me feel better and confident about myself. So, here I am. Back on BodySpace on BodyBuilding.com; The first place to actually show me that I can make something of myself and feel good about myself for once at a whopping 129lbs.

So I'm back at square one. I'm still slightly depressed, I'm looking for that confidence I had not so long ago. I don't feel like myself anymore and I miss that. I realize that I will never get how I felt back before my mom died, but I want to make a new me. I want to make myself proud and prove to myself that I can do this. Even if means starting back at square one, which kills me inside because I swore I'd never let myself get to this weigh again.

But here I am, and I'm hoping to not get myself back to where I was, but to get myself to a newer, better, and even MORE confident version of myself. Even if that means forcing myself to do this because I can't quit. I will not allow myself to quit or become an even worse version of myself than I am right now. So, there it is. This is me. This is my journey to a new me, a happier me. I know deep down I can do this, it's just a matter of how much I am willing to push myself.

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