Vexed (TW)

Hi, I'm recovering from a relapse into anorexia (though I've been in a sort of suspense lately). Currently I'm 19, 5'2-3, and about 97 lbs. I got my period back 3 weeks ago, but it was lighter than usual and I'm not sure whether I'm getting it again this month either. My problem is that I'm "only" a few pounds underweight and I think I look "normal" (i.e. slim perhaps, but not particularly thin), although sometimes I do think myself quite (very?) thin--it differs from day to day, from hour to hour, or even from minute to minute. To make it worse, I have an eating disordered younger sister who is very thin--she probably gloats over how I'm so big compared to her!

Today my mom suggested that I could stop drinking Ensure because I seemed to be eating normal portions and had gotten back my period. I got very irritated because to me that meant she thought that I no longer had much struggle with food (a major mistake) and that I wasn't very thin anymore (she probably thinks I look normal!). As if I were just greedy for Ensure and were making myself fat (or heavier than my minimal healthy weight)!

Now, so what's wrong with looking "normal"? First, I still have this disordered mind that makes me desire extreme thinness even though I don't think it looks good (I have some theories about why this is, but these would be a digression here). Also, I can't help feeling my body no longer deserves to be nourished with care if it's no longer very thin. This bothers me a lot because I know this is not true, especially since in fact my body still hasn't quite finished recovering, and yet the thought keeps nagging at me. Moreover, my eating disorder is a symptom of other deeper problems, so my mom's supposed misunderstanding of my relationship with food makes me think she doesn't understand the issues behind my ED either. 

Thanks if you have read till here. I guess I just need to vent and to hear a few words of support/advice from you people! 

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