Before photos...what have I done to myself!!!

I just had to take my before photos for a fitness and nutrition program that I am doing online over the next 3 months. I knew I had gained weight...but I didn't know what an extra 30-40lbs actually looks like! OMFG!!! I am so depressed that I let myself go so much!

I feel more depressed and like I just can't figure anything out anymore! I am in an abusive (very possessive relationship), which I can't figure out how to get out of...even more so now that I have gained so much!

See when I met him I was a small, muscular 55-60kg girl...very athletic, rarely missed a day at the gym, ate well but with some treats. If I gained more than 63kgs I would immediately go on a health kick and lose the extra kilos.

HOwever, the last few years, my whole entire being has been revolved around the person I am with. I do everything for him, I walk on eggshells constantly, get thrown out of the house constantly, get told I am fat (even when I was thin), and it's harder even now that I actually have gained so much!

I am so scared that I have gained all this weight, and I feel so ashamed. He is thin and trim, and I am a lump! This isn't me! However I am scared that he will try and ruin my chances of getting fit (he is controlling and accuses me of cheating when I leave the house), and thats also why I think he wants me bigger. 1) so noone else will want me 2) so I hate myself and 3) because its easier for him to put me down and for it to affect me.

I am so ashamed I dont want to leave the house! It's embarrassing how much I have gained. My life is a mess!

I want to leave the relationship eventually but I just feel so low and confused that I dont think I can yet! I want to prove to myself that I CAN lose the weight I have gained. I CAN ignore his abuse. I CAN love myself again. I CAN leave after I gain back some strength!

Hope this isn't posted in the wrong section, I just felt a need to post and maybe others have experienced the same thing.

Oh, and in no way am I blaming him for my weight gain. I know that I have allowed myself to get this big, and eaten my way to this size! His abuse does get bad emotionally though so I find it hard to think of myself through that. Maybe I should see a counsellor too.

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