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WebMD Feature Reviewed byRoy Benaroch, MD

Every parent has probably heard it at one time or another: "You're going to spoil that child!" Yet what do we really mean by spoiled child? How do you know if your child is spoiled, and what can you do to avoid spoiling him or her if you haven't done so already?

No Such Thing as Spoiled Children?

Most child development experts cringe at the use of the term "spoiled child."

David Elkind, a professor of child development at Tufts University and author of The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon, says, "That's really a term from a different era. Parents who 'spoil,' often out of the best of intentions, really want to give their children everything without their having to work for it. But the world doesn't work that way."

Why You Can't Spoil a Baby

You cannot "spoil" an infant, Elkind says. "Infants cry when they need something, and it's hard to spoil them because they're not trying to manipulate or maneuver. In infancy, you really need to build the feeling that the world's a safe place."

Later on, he says, it's certainly possible to spoil your child by giving him or her too much, not setting boundaries, and not expecting your child to do what's healthy. But there's no spoiling a 6-month-old.

Peter A. Gorski, MD, director of the Lawton and Rhea Chiles Center for Healthy Mothers and Babies, says, "There is so much questionable parenting literature out there that still talks about spoiling babies. This is a myth that really needs to be addressed."

Research shows that infants whose parents respond quicker to their needs, including their cries, are happier and more independent by their first birthday, Gorski says. They learn to trust that you'll be there when they need you.

What about toddler temper tantrums? Are these children spoiled? No, Elkind says. Tantrums are simply a part of normal development. "This is a time kids are differentiating themselves, and they do that by saying no," he says. "That's normal." It doesn't mean you don't need to set limits for your toddler or that you should always give in. But saying "No no no no no!" every time you want him or her to get dressed or eat lunch doesn't mean the child's spoiled. It just means he's 2.

3 Signs You're Spoiling Your Child

So if an often-cuddled infant and a toddler with tantrums are not spoiled -- how do you tell if your child is?

The cafeteria dining plan. "You serve dinner, and the child doesn't want to eat what's on the table, so you always have to go out of your way to make a special meal," Elkind says. Once or twice is one thing, and of course children with special dietary needs must always be accommodated. But a child who insists on special orders every night could be on the way to being spoiled. "If a 5-year-old misses a meal it won't hurt him," Elkind says. Tantrums. They're normal in toddlers. But when a 5- or 6-year-old throws a fit because she doesn't get what she wants, that's age-inappropriate. "For little ones, it may be the only way they can express their feelings, but in older children, tantrums are manipulative," Elkind says. Extreme dependence on parents. If your child can't go to sleep unless you're there, won't ever let you leave him with grandma or a babysitter, and throws fits when it's time to go to school or day care, that's a problem, Elkind says. "Your child depends on you, yes, but as they get older, children have to learn to be comfortable with other people and with being on their own.”

Instead of "spoiled child," Gorski prefers to use the term "overindulged" or "overprotected." These children may indeed "run the house" -- but it's because parents treat them like they're much younger than they are. "A key warning sign," he says, "is any child much older than the toddler years who continues to act like a baby or toddler -- kicking and screaming, biting other children, not using age-appropriate ways of communicating thoughts and feelings. This is a sign that they're not very secure about themselves."

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Exhausted from trying to be Supermom? You may need a time out to realize you’re doing just fine.

I had just solidified my place in what seemed like a great mommy group filled with smart, professional women who regularly met at a neighborhood toddler play class.

As I positioned my son’s stroller along the back wall and leaned over him to unfasten his seat belt, one of the new moms in the group stood over us watching. Suddenly, she let out a horrified, "Please tell me that’s not Cheetos dust on your son's hands!"

More than 5 million school-aged children wet the bed at night -- with twice as many boys wetting their bed as girls. Here's what you need to know to help your child deal with this common problem.

I felt a red hot flush come over my face. His little toddler paws were covered in the telltale bright orange powder; there was no denying what he’d been eating. I quickly fumbled for a wipe to clear away the mess, not to mention my maternal shame, and slinked quietly into the class, hoping I wouldn’t be cast out of the group as the failed mother who (gasp!) allowed her child to eat junk food.

Snide comments about your parenting -- what you feed your child, how you handle a public tantrum, where you choose to send your child to school -- can feel deeply personal and hurtful. If you are new to the job of mothering (or even if you’re not), you know that a well-placed criticism can cause you serious self-doubt about your parenting skills.

It’s the rare mom who never experiences self-doubt. It’s one of the occupational hazards that come with being a mom. So how do you know if you’re actually being a good mother? Figuring out what works for you and your kids and learning to trust yourself is the best way, experienced moms say. Here’s how to tune in to that self-confidence and own your Supermom within.

My Cheetos incident left me feeling inadequate. What kind of mother feeds her kid processed food that leaves an orange stain? But after the shame subsided, I was outraged. Who was this woman to openly chastise me for the choices I made for my son, no matter what they were?

"Motherhood has become like a spectator sport," Jen Singer, mom to two preteen boys and founder of MommaSaid.net, says. "People feel free to comment on other’s parenting skills. Throw into the mix the Internet and it all goes downhill from there."

Singer has written two books filled with real-world parenting tips -- her latest being Stop Second-Guessing Yourself -- The Toddler Years -- that use humor to remind moms they’re likely doing a better job than they think and, just maybe, we’re all taking ourselves a little too seriously. She says that today's bar for motherhood seems impossibly high.

Deborah Linggi, a communications consultant from San Diego and mother of a 5-year-old son, says the competition among mothers in some circles is palpable. "It used to be," she says, " that Supermom went to work and had kids and kept the house clean. Now it’s trickled into, ‘I breastfed until my kid was 20 and now feed him only organics, take him to piano, soccer, and oh, by the way, I’m a size 6 and my hair always looks great!’" The expectations for moms are unrealistic, she says. Yet we all know women who appear to be meeting them.

Singer suggests that moms looking to gain confidence about their mothering arm themselves with a dose of reality. Comparing yourself to that one perfect mom who seems to be able to do it all is damaging and not a worthy goal. "Supermom is faking it. She is very good at propaganda," Singer says. "The mom who looks completely put together and is baking 100 cupcakes for the school while running the fund-raiser and her own business is exhausted. She’s either employing some help or she’s about to fall apart. You don’t want to aspire to something that is impossible to maintain."

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